


cold/mess

by lemondriz



Category: VIXX
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Delusions, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, M/M, Mild Smut, Recovery, Smoking, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:21:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23333029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemondriz/pseuds/lemondriz
Summary: Lee Hongbin can't seem to pull away from the whirlwind tornado that is his husband, Cha Hakyeon, and he can't imagine why he would ever want to.
Relationships: Cha Hakyeon | N/Lee Hongbin, Jung Taekwoon | Leo/Lee Jaehwan | Ken
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	cold/mess

**Author's Note:**

> the title of this fic has been taken from the [Prateek Kuhad song of the same name](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Il7Nv270zNk) ♡
> 
> this fic contains triggering material that i have chosen to not tag for the sake of suspense, so please, please proceed with caution. thank you!

“Rise and shine, Binnie.”

Hongbin slowly comes to without opening his eyes. One by one, his senses dully kick in and he registers the sounds around him.

Windchimes tinkling.

A pressure cooker whistling.

Birds chirping.

Warm sunlight streaming in.

And, cutting through it all, the melodic lilt of his favourite sound in the whole world.

Hongbin groans but pulls the sheets tighter over his face to hide his grin.

Arms slowly snake around him and gently squeeze his waist.

“Pabo-yah, wake up” comes the playful, sing-song voice again.

Hongbin would never admit it, but if he could plug in his earphones, press play and listen to that voice for days on end, he would.

“Hyung, please” he groans, fingers coming to clutch at the arms like they were a lifeline.

“We have to join Jaehwan and Taekwoon for lunch in an hour. Did you forget again?”

The voice tickles the shell of his right ear and Hongbin shivers at the touch, pretending to be irritated.

“I did not” he lies through his teeth, trying not to think about the hours spent yelling at his computer while playing Overwatch the previous night.

“Mm-hmm” the voice sounds unimpressed.

Biting his lip wearily and slowly opening his eyes, Hongbin flips around.

“Now please get up and get dressed, we don’t have much tim-“

Hongbin surges forward and silence falls upon them immediately.

The windchimes continue to tinkle above them, the pressure cooker from their neighbour’s house goes off once again, the wind from the open window ruffles their hair, and Hongbin kisses Hakyeon like he’s determined to take his breath away.

After all, hearing Hakyeon’s surprised squeaks and satisfied moans are his second favourite sounds in the whole world.

Hongbin pulls away first, reaching for his nightstand to grab his phone.

As he types out a text, he feels slim, cool fingers slip under the hem of his shirt and stroke his stomach lazily.

“Taking a rain check?” Hakyeon asks.

“Yep. Hope the hyungs don’t mind” he says, tossing his phone aside once he’s done.

Hakyeon pouts cutely but doesn’t look disappointed in the slightest.

“I really wanted to try that new restaurant. We don’t even have proper food at home.”

“I’ll make you ramyeon, hyung. With fried sausages. _And_ an egg.”

Hakyeon’s fingers curl around the flesh of Hongbin’s hip bone.

“You’re not off the hook… yet” he whispers, trying not to smile.

“Good. I don’t want to be” Hongbin says, and before he can say anything else, Hakyeon pulls him in.

\---

_“Hyung, pick up the phone. Where the fuck are you?”_

***Beep***

_“Hyung, its been 15 minutes and Wonshik hyung will not stop nagging me. Just pick up the phone and tell us where you are.”_

***Beep***

_“You promised, hyung. You promised you’d be here. When will you let us see you again?”_

***Beep***

_“Fuck it, I’m coming over.”_

Half an hour later, Hongbin sits quietly on a stool, a steaming mug of tea in his hands. Sanghyuk sits opposite him on the couch, beige coat still on, with a mug of his own on the coffee table in front of him.

Hongbin should feel dirty, in his torn shorts and shirt that’s a size too small, sitting in front of his well-put-together friend, but he doesn’t.

He doesn’t feel anything.

“How have you been?” Sanghyuk finally speaks up after a couple of tense minutes.

Hongbin takes a few moments to register that he’s being spoken to. He closes his eyes and tries to focus on the sound of the shower that Hakyeon is taking.

“I’ve been okay” he finally says with a small smile, taking a sip of tea.

Sanghyuk just stares at him in disbelief, arms crossed tightly across his chest and tea forgotten on the table. Since when was so big and grown? Hongbin was sure that he had been a scrawny little thing just months ago.

“Wonshik hyung hasn’t seen you in 6 whole months, he got back 2 weeks ago from his tour and he’s been so worried. I know things are hard right now, but you could have at least told me that you would meet us some other time.”

“Things aren’t hard, Hyukkie. I’m fine. I’ve just been staying indoors a lot more lately.”

Sanghyuk leans forward, eyes strained. It’s as if he’s trying to analyse every bit of Hongbin’s face, and Hongbin curls into himself a little.

“Hyung, you’ve haven’t met any of us in the last 4 months, you barely text back, you miss our calls. The house is a mess and I’m worried that you haven’t been eating and taking care of yourself. You can’t be so defensive forever.”

Hongbin just gives a wry smile, “Since when did our Hyukkie become the mom of the group? Aigoo, you’ve grown up so well.”

He chuckles into his tea, missing the bewildered look on his friend’s face.

“Ever since Hak-“

Sanghyuk’s pager goes off, cutting him off effectively, and he rushes to check it.

The shower stops and Hongbin smiles again, sitting up straighter and smoothing down his clothes.

“Fucking hell” Sanghyuk mutters, adjusting his glasses and standing up. “Looks like my Saturdays are destined to be spent in the ER.”

He goes to open the door and pauses on his way out. “I’m coming again tomorrow. And I’m bringing biscuits.”

A few seconds after the front door swings shuts, the door to the bathroom opens and Hakyeon emerges in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

“All okay?” he asks, and Hongbin can only nod as his mouth goes dry.

He stares as he watches him walk into the kitchen. He looks around in the fridge, finding nothing but multiple soju and beer bottles and stale cheese, and says, “Maybe some grocery shopping won’t hurt.”

Hongbin finishes his tea, and slowly makes his way behind Hakyeon, rubbing his shoulders as the other closes the fridge door. Hakyeon turns around and yanks Hongbin closer by the waist.

“I would, but you make it difficult for me to leave the house, hyung.”

“Hmm, I wonder why” Hakyeon smirks, tilting his head and sucking a bruise into his neck. Hongbin’s legs wobble like jelly and soon all coherent thought leaves his mind.

He doesn’t end up going grocery shopping.

\---

Hongbin wakes up in a cold sweat at 4 am.

He’s been having the same nightmare for a few weeks now. One where Hakyeon leaves him forever.

Each time, the truck runs an unsuspecting Hakyeon over.

Each time, Hongbin screams.

Each time, he wakes up with tears flowing freely down his face.

Each time, he calms down when he sees the figure sleeping soundly next to him.

“ _It’s not real”_ he repeats to himself endlessly in his mind, a mantra that keeps him going.

He inches towards the window and sits at the edge of the bed, sparking his lighter and bringing it toward the cigarette placed between his lips.

He’s slowly releasing his third drag, already feeling less antsy, when the bed shifts behind him and he feels a chin hook onto on his bare shoulder.

“You said you were going to quit, Binnie.”

Hongbin’s insides churn guiltily at the words.

“I know, hyung. Nicotine gum was just not working and I don’t know why, but I’ve been kind of stressed lately and-“

“Hongbin, I’m here, there’s nothing to be stressed about.”

Hongbin gulps, Hakyeon’s words cold and harsh to his ears.

“You’re right. I’m sorry” he whispers, staring at the orange hue which lights up as he inhales again.

Hakyeon makes a clicking sound of disapproval, unlatching himself and going back to sleep without another word.

Hongbin doesn’t realize that he’s silently crying again until he’s finished the entire pack half an hour later.

\---

“You’ve been staring at your phone for the past 20 minutes. What’s going on?”

Hongbin jumps at the sound from where he’s perched on the couch, not even knowing that Hakyeon was in the room until he spoke. He turns to look at where he’s standing near the sink, wiping a glass dry with a cloth.

“Sorry. Um, Taekwoon hyung messaged me. The gang’s all going out for drinks tonight and he wants me to join.”

“Oh.”

Tension fills the air in a second and Hongbin feels suffocated.

“I… I don’t have to go. We have alcohol at home and you’re here and-“

“No. Go.”

Hongbin stands up slowly, eyes not leaving Hakyeon who is pointedly keeping his eyes trained on the glass that’s long since dried.

“No, hyung, I can stay-“

Hakyeon sets the glass down so harshly that Hongbin jumps.

“Hongbin, I said you can go. I know you want to go. All I do is keep you like a prisoner anyways, right?” Hakyeon says, throwing his head back and laughing deliriously.

Hongbin feels his throat closing in, that god-awful feeling, and his heart thuds erratically.

_“No, no, no, no, no”_

“What? Hyung, what are you saying? I’ve never-“

“Don’t even try to pretend. I _heard_ you the other day. You were on the phone with some random person and you were telling them how _horrible_ and _miserable_ you were feeling, how you felt _helpless_ and didn’t know how to break out of it. How you felt as if _I_ was the one holding you back.”

Tears stream down Hakyeon’s cheeks and Hongbin almost forgets how to breathe.

“I’ve been holding you back for the past 4 months, right? I’m such an awful husband, right? I’ve not let you out of the house because I’m a selfish bastard. I’m so fucking deprived of love, of affection, and just the thought of the love of my life being with other people boils my blood.”

Hakyeon drops to the floor, squatting down and Hongbin runs to him with a sob.

“H-hyung, please, they’re our friends, please-“

Hakyeon looks up right before Hongbin reaches out to comfort him, and his arm stills as he sees the cold, hard, brazen look on his face.

“No. They’re _your_ friends. They couldn’t care less about me.”

Hakyeon swiftly stands up and walks away, the door to their bedroom slamming shut moments later. The noise rattles Hongbin’s bones and he crumbles to the floor slowly, fat tears leaking and choked shrieks trying to escape his mouth. He claws at his face and hair desperately, legs kicking and suddenly he’s shaking. He cries himself into a fitful sleep right there on the kitchen floor and no one ever comes out of the bedroom to comfort him.

\---

He starts sleeping on the couch.

He hasn’t spoken to Hakyeon for a week now, surviving on soju, beer, cigarettes, bread, and water. He hasn’t seen Hakyeon emerge from their bedroom even once and Hongbin is scared to go in and see how he is.

It’s around day 7 or 8 since the fight, Hongbin struggling to keep track of the days, when there’s an incessant ringing at the front door.

Hongbin, drunk off his head and attempting to open his second cigarette pack of the day, hesitates to open the door.

He doesn’t want anyone seeing him in this state.

The room spins as he moves around, fingers unable to get a proper grip on the box. He mutters curses and his stomach turns, the doorbell sound grating his ears. He eventually gives up and throws the pack across the room, frustrated and sick, and his body hits the couch. He chokes on his own saliva and his eyes start fluttering shut.

The last thing he registers before he passes out is Hakyeon’s silhouette at the end of the hallway.

\---

When he wakes up, it’s with a pounding headache, a dry mouth, a stained t-shirt and four of his friends in the same room as him.

“Hongbin-ah!”

He registers Jaehwan’s screech and suddenly they’re all near him, all concerned eyes and fluttering hands.

“Ok, ok, let’s give him some room” comes Taekwoon’s voice, light as a feather as always, and the others move away obediently. He waits for Hongbin to slowly sit up, and hands him a bottle of water.

“We brought food, medicine and water. You must be so dehydrated. Here.”

Hongbin’s mutters a quiet thanks, taking the bottle. His eyes dart out to each of them, taking them all in. Wonshik and Sanghyuk sit at the dining table while Jaehwan stands a bit behind Taekwoon, looking like a deer caught in the headlights, knuckles white where he’s clinging onto Taekwoon’s coat.

Hongbin’s heart falters at the sight. He takes a long gulp of water shakily. Just how badly had he scared them?

His hand trembles as he brings it down and Taekwoon takes it. He watches Taekwoon placing it on the table and before he knows it, a sob is ripping from his chest.

“H-h-hyung, I-“

Taekwoon sits down swiftly and brings Hongbin’s face to his chest, and the dam breaks. Jaehwan sits behind him and back-hugs him firmly as Taekwoon pats his hair and lets him cry into his shirt.

\---

“Hi, yes, sorry to be calling at such short notice, but Jaehwan and I won’t be home today, so if we could schedule the house painting for some other date…“

“Yah, Sungjae, you owe me. Just cover for me today. I’ll treat you to makgeolli some other time, okay?”

Hongbin slowly blows on and sips the hangover soup Taekwoon made for him as he sits at the dining table. Jaehwan has his left hand in both of his, slowly and absently massaging his palm. Normally, Hongbin would have swatted him away, but the gesture proves to be oddly comforting. Wonshik sits opposite him, twiddling his fingers and looking pensive as Taekwoon and Sanghyuk finish their respective businesses.

Hongbin hears them and starts to wonder. When had they all grown up? It feels like mere days ago that they would hang out during lunch time at school, rough-housing and screaming in delight. Now, they’re all in their late thirties, with jobs and spouses and lives, like true adults.

Hongbin doesn’t really feel like one at the moment.

Taekwoon and Sanghyuk finish their calls and join them at the table. The five of them sit in relative silence, the only sound being Hongbin drinking his soup, life slowly coming back to him.

“We should have done this much, much sooner. Fuck.” Taekwoon mutters, running a hand through his hair and looking worried.

Hongbin just shrugs. He doesn’t even know what to say. He decides to compliment the soup when Wonshik speaks up.

“Hongbin, if we had known, we would have-“

“There’s nothing you could have done. You were busy with tour and album production, Jaehwan and Taekwoon hyung have had so much house work after coming back from their honeymoon, not to mention their regular jobs, and Hyuk is a damn emergency physician. It’s none of your faults.”

Wonshik sniffles loudly and coughs into his elbow, looking visibly shaken. Jaehwan’s hold on Hongbin’s hand tightens.

“Fuck. Hyung. We were stupid but _please_ reach out to us if something like this has a chance of happening again.”

Hongbin feels his heart hurt at the watery look in Sanghyuk’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Hyukkie. I must have really scared you, huh?” Hongbin chokes out. Sanghyuk has been the only one consistently trying to get in touch with him and despite not having met him, Hongbin realizes how much he might have hurt their youngest.

Sanghyuk buries his face in his palms, shaking. Wonshik scoots closer and holds on to him as he composes himself.

“Hongbin-ah, if you’re done with your soup, how about a quick shower? You’ll feel better” Jaehwan murmurs, squeezing his fingers in comfort.

Hongbin pushes his bowl away and panics, gaze darting to the bedroom door that hasn’t opened since _that_ fight.

“I… I can’t go there. No, no, I can’t go-“

“Hongbin, calm down, it’s okay! It’s okay”

“Hyung, don’t make me go there, please, he hates me, he hates me so much, please!”

“Hongbin, Hongbin!”

\---

Hongbin wakes up disoriented and finds himself in his own bed.

He sits up when he realizes where he is and jumps up, panic settling in all over again. He can hear Taekwoon calling out for him but he can’t process his words. It fades into white noise and his ears buzz.

“Hakyeonie hyung, where is Hakyeonie hyung, where is he, he hates me, oh god, Hakyeonie hyung, where is he?”

Taekwoon pulls Hongbin to his chest once again, and through his panic, Hongbin is comforted by the fact that no one else is in the room to see him lose his shit again.

_Where the fuck was Hakyeon?_

“Shh, he’s not here Hongbinnie, he’s not here. Please, it’s okay, you’re safe.”

“What do you mean?! He hasn’t left his room in a week and-“

The gears stop turning, the panic stops. Hongbin feels his heart free-fall way past his stomach.

His nightmare. Hakyeon on the road, smiling at Hongbin.

The truck. Hongbin’s blood-curdling scream.

_That was never a nightmare._

Hongbin stills altogether, going limp in Taekwoon’s arms.

“Hongbin? Hongbin? Hongbin, what-“

Hongbin pulls back and stares at Taekwoon, his eyes glassy and far away.

“How did you get into the house?”

He had thought Hakyeon had let them in and retreated to their room. He had thought Hakyeon had been avoiding him. He had thought had got into a fight with Hakyeon. He had thought so many things and now…

“You weren’t opening the door, we waited for half an hour and we were so worried. We spoke to your neighbour and they kept your passcode for emergency cases, so we got in ourselves. Hongbin, what is going on?”

Hongbin doesn’t know what to say. What _has_ been going on?

His husband has been dead for 4 months and Hongbin has been living in delusion the whole time.

He pushed away his friends not because of Hakyeon, but because of himself.

He made himself this way.

He ruined himself. He let himself waste away.

Hongbin suddenly feels light-headed and struggles to catch his breath.

“J-just h-hold me, h-hyung” he splutters, mind in over-drive, and all he wants is to fall into a deep sleep and find out that this is just a horrible nightmare and not his reality.

Taekwoon gives him a pitying look before taking him into his arms and laying them both down on the bed. He starts humming a slow tune, stroking the back of Hongbin’s head and lulling him into a dreamless sleep.

\---

“Hongbin, you made it!”

Jaehwan pulls him in for a bone-crushing hug and he hugs back, relishing in the contact.

“Hyung, let the poor man breathe.” Sanghyuk snickers, toeing off his shoes at the front door.

Jaehwan lets go and ruffles his hair. Hongbin lets him, turning to look around.

“Wow, the house looks great, hyung” he marvels at the paintings and interiors. Taekwoon emerges from the kitchen in an apron, smiling.

He catches Wonshik emerging from the bathroom and meets him half-way for a hug. Soon, a beer is pushed into his hand and they’re all sitting at the table, talking happily and drinking. Taekwoon places a large dish in the middle and takes off his apron, sitting down.

“Did Jaehwan hyung help or did he hover around, too scared to touch anything?”

“Yah, yah, I’ll have you know that I was the one telling Taekwoonie what to do while he cooked. I’m the one who did the work, basically.”

Sanghyuk just rolls his eyes.

“Ok, ok, everyone pay attention. I’d like to raise a toast” Taekwoon speaks up, raising his glass and the others do the same.

“To good health, full bellies, healthy livers, ageing gracefully, and inseparable friendship.”

“Hear, hear” Wonshik shouts, and they’re all cheering as their glasses clink together.

They chug their drinks and Hongbin breathes in when he’s done, soaking in the relief that he hasn’t felt in a long, long time.

\---

As Jaehwan and Taekwoon clean up, insisting that the others relax, Hongbin returns from the restroom to find Sanghyuk and Wonshik out in the balcony that overlooks the Han River. They’re smoking and casually talking, perking up when they see Hongbin approach. Wonshik offers him a smoke, but Hongbin declines hesitantly.

“Hyung’s trying to quit. Don’t be a bad influence on him.”

“Excuse me, I’m not the one who used to do 10 shots in a row back in college!”

“Hyung, that was ages ago, come on.”

“Yah, Hongbin, I’m so glad he’s staying with you for the time being. This kid always has something to say.”

“Oh shush, it’s not like you were at our apartment enough anyways. You might as well move into that studio of yours.”

Hongbin chuckles at their bickering, and soon, the other two join them. They eventually stare out at the night sky in comfortable silence, stars twinkling brighter than usual.

Hongbin could get used to this.

\---

Hongbin flicks Sanghyuk’s lighter on and off, on and off, on and off. He sits at the edge of the bed, the TV providing some background noise. Sanghyuk’s spending the night in the ER and Hongbin has grown so used to his presence as his temporary roommate that he’s begun to seriously dislike complete silence.

Hongbin pulls out a photo, staring at the beautiful face of his husband.

He remembers quiet nights over day-old pizza.

He remembers drunken noraebangs with Park Hyoshin songs.

He remembers passionate nights and intimate moments meant just for the two of them.

He remembers failed cooking attempts and messy counters.

He remembers slow dancing in the living room, just holding each other and swaying to the music.

He flicks the lighter again, biting his lip.

“Do it, Binnie. Just do it. You’ll feel better.”

Hongbin looks up, tears clouding his vision, and sees him sitting next to him, just a few meters away.

Hongbin lets out a watery chuckle.

“Hyung…”

Hakyeon looks at him with the moonlight shining in his eyes.

“I apologise for what happened that day. I was being so over-bearing and selfish. You don’t deserve to feel like that.”

Hongbin stays quiet, just looking at him, taking his presence in. Has Hakyeon always been this beautiful, especially in the quiet dead of the night? How much has he taken for granted?

“I love you so much, hyung” he whispers, afraid that anything louder will shatter this perfect illusion.

Hakyeon smiles sadly and reaches out to tuck a tuft of hair behind his ear. Hongbin shivers at the touch.

“After all this time, ever since college, up till now and forever, I will love you, Lee Hongbin.”

Hongbin’s heart crumbles all over again as he hears the words uttered by his favourite voice in the whole world.

“Do it, Binnie. It’s time to let me go.”

Hongbin inches closer, face stopping right before his and asks, “One last time, please?”

Hakyeon just nods, stilling, and Hongbin kisses him gently. Hakyeon brings one arm up to his cheek, anchoring them both so that they’re steady, and Hongbin almost cries at the gesture.

They pull apart, and Hakyeon places one last kiss on Hongbin’s forehead as Hongbin looks down, the lighter springing to life, and brings the photo to the flame. He stares at the embers licking away at the paper, refusing to look at the man next to him.

The last bit of the paper disappears, and Hongbin sits alone. He looks out at the moon, watching it move ever so slowly, watching the sun emerge from the horizon, casting his face in a golden hue.

He thinks of his parents, his friends, his colleagues, his half-written stories sitting in his hard-drive that are waiting to be completed. He thinks of long walks and drunk nights and silly moments with his friends and all that he missed out on when he unknowingly pressed pause on his life.

It’s a new day, and Hongbin is ready to press play again.

\---

_I wish I could leave you, my love,  
But my heart is a mess.  
My days, they begin with your name,  
And nights end with your breath._

**Author's Note:**

> if you need to yell/rant/scream/cry, feel free to reach out to me at my [twitter](https://twitter.com/chabeannie)


End file.
